Life is full of ups and downs, including the ones on the scale. We are all experiencing our own obstacles in life, but one thing that unites a lot of people is the weight we wear(or don’t). I think this is the best time to have a conversation about the connection between mind, body and spirit. Our cultural climate is evolving to accept people for who they are, and true health from the inside out. You might have your own story, but here’s what I have learned about finding balance in this whole self image arena.
I have the unique privilege to say that I am the same size pants that I was in high school. I’m not proud to say this. Most people might brag about how they have returned to the weight of their adolescence. HOWEVER! I am not most people, and this is not a celebration, but a mourning.
Why do we think like this?
For me it all started at about 8 years old, when I got my first gut poke and suggestion to start working out. I can’t say that anyone would ever say that to a child with any ill will, but it was damaging none the less. From that moment on, I knew I was fat. I can honestly say looking back, that my weight mattered more to me than anyone I ever encountered.
However, it was an ever looming elephant sitting on my stomach and getting in between me and everyone I knew. As a teenager, I had little control over groceries and cooking. There was no way for me to grasp the magnitude of what I ate and how it negatively affected my body. I prayed for an answer, hoping it was a defect in my body so it couldn’t be my fault.
It was hard not to feel guilty for being so big and having no self restraint. I was ashamed of the stretch marks that I hid under baggy clothes. My own vision of my body and food overtook everything. All I thought about was food. After I ate, I immediately started thinking about what and when I would be eating next. They say that you eat your feelings, but there wasn’t enough food in the world to make those feelings go away.
Let’s Try Something Else
I was prescribed with antidepressants for depression. But what I didn’t know at the time; was that I was suffering the effects of massive repressed trauma. I could have reached out, but I never thought it was as bad as it was. Everything in my life was a disaster, but I was getting through it all.
By continuing to make choices in the moment, I started to lose the connection to my actual feelings. This is the beginning of losing yourself. Or it is the beginning of finding yourself. Depends on how you look at it.
Is it Down or Rock Bottom?
My friends reached out to share their concern for the change in my demeanor. But at the end of my senior year, I sat down with the office administration at the high school to find out that I had missed almost 70% of the school year. Without a note from my doctor explaining my depression had been debilitating to me, I couldn’t continue on my path to graduation.
I had been unable to get out of bed.
I was numb to everything in my life.
I worked to be out of the house when I wasn’t at school.
I went to the Kingdom Hall and out in service to be around people other than my family.
I didn’t have any real friends.
My step dad told me that my father didn’t love me and he couldn’t wait for me to move out.
My dad and his wife were fighting about my visits.
My mom was crumbling under the pressure of an adulterous husband, 2 adolescent girls, 5 meetings and service a week, and a full time job.
At this point, I got into a fight with my step dad about boundaries that resulted in me packing my car up and moving 25 miles away to my Grandma’s house. I was able to squeak by at graduation, commuting over an hour to and from school, working to pay for my own gas money.
This is a journey that I am still on, and have committed to sharing in the hope that it will help someone one day.
You’re an Adult NOW!
My 2009 New Year’s Resolution was to learn how to make a lifestyle change to be healthy; I had reached my heaviest weight of 276 pounds. I accepted I would never be thin, but I didn’t want to keep growing horizontally. So I started learning; how to cook and bake from scratch, yoga, and how to read nutrition labels.
It took me 4 years to lose 30 pounds, and go down 3 dress sizes. It wasn’t thrilling, but I felt better than when I was so big. When I woke up on my 24th birthday, I was miserable. My joints were aching, I was nauseous, had chronic diarrhea, stomach cramps, heartburn, headaches, dry skin patches, and dark circles under my eyes. And this is when I went to my Naturopath and learned that I needed to own my personal wellness. I was tired of all of the ups and downs, I was ready for something stable.
It’s all Connected!
Now that we have covered the rigorous back story. We can return to the present time and my qualms about being heavier than I should be. There are many health implications to being overweight, but I’m happy to say it affects me less psychologically than it did before. Instead of being ashamed of my body, I’m now ashamed of when I don’t eat or exercise the way that I should when I should.
This post isn’t a pity party for my struggles with eating or weight loss, but it is about how the path isn’t always straight. I really thought my Celiac diagnosis was the cause of obesity and discomfort. I can safely say that it is sugar and dairy keeping this extra weight around. OF COURSE the exercise is a big part of it! But another thing I learned was that if you aren’t regulating your hormones with the right foods, then your exercise may not produce the desired results.
I know what steps I have to take to get myself well, and I am owning the power to make choices that are good for me. I understand the spiritual connection to the motivation to take care of yourself. We live in an age with an overwhelming amount of information available to us at any given time. The downside to that is that we will never run out of things that distract us from actually paying attention to our own bodies. The less in tune we are with our bodies, the harder it becomes to remain healthy. You can read all about my views on spirituality here.
It’s Only Up From Here
As I continue to revisit the same lesson again and again, it is clear that my path in life is to make this connection and share it with as many people as will listen. The connection between our mind, body and soul in undeniable. We have the power to fuel the ourselves into greatness by seizing who we are meant to be. It may sound cliche, but they keep saying it because it is true.
I shared some of my favorite practices in my Best of 2019 post(you can read more about by clicking on the graphic below). Honoring our intuition is about more than just finding signs and pulling cards. Taking the time to invest in our personal well being is the only true way to good health. You have to start by listening to your body when it tells you something is wrong.
